A Message for Parents
Tom Bissonette, MSW
Beginning college students are facing a challenge. They are leaving the nest but not ready to make their own way. Parents shouldn't hold them back, but they shouldn't just push them out and expect them to take wing immediately, either. The following advice will help you decide what level of assistance your child needs in some key areas:
Emotional Support
Your son/daughter is in a new environment. He or she may panic as the
reality of the separation from the family sinks in. The first few weeks
on campus can be a lonely experience. With sufficient time students
begin to find peers to provide support in this new environment. Before
then, however, you may get an urgent call from a homesick student,
begging you to rescue him or her. You may miss them as much as they
miss you. It can be tempting to give in.
You can help prevent homesickness by spacing visits as closely as you can, allowing enough phone contact and writing letters or email. Also, allowing the child to take some familiar things to create a home- like atmosphere can help. Sometimes summer trips can prepare them for the separation. Remember anyone leaving home is an important family event, so talk about it openly and plan ahead. When that lonely call comes in the middle of the night, try to be supportive and listen but encourage your student to stay the course.
Developmental Tasks
Neither you or your son/daughter should make the mistake of
viewing college as an extension of high school. Your student is
making the journey from dependence to independence and
beginning to develop more mature relationships. These are not easy
tasks and they don't automatically happen because the student is
"old enough" to attend college. Increased personal freedom and
forming new relationships can be both wonderful and frightening.
Some students have enjoyed independence before college, but, for
others, it may be the first opportunity to navigate these uncharted
waters. To determine your son or daughter's readiness for this voyage,
ask yourself these questions:
- Did your son/daughter need extensive supervision on schoolwork, chores etc. when at home?
- Do you feel you have to talk for your student when dealing with other adults?
- Has he or she lost jobs or consistently failed to be responsible in team or group activities?
- Does he/she show a substantial lack of self-confidence and/or assertiveness?
- Has your son/daughter succumbed to peer pressure more than you would like?
- Has your student had difficulty making or keeping friends?
If the answer is "yes" to any of the above questions then your student may need additional assistance adjusting to college life. Initially, you will probably be one of the important resources for your student. The best thing you can do is to encourage him/her to become aware of and use the resources on campus! Avoid trying to be your son's/daughter's tutor, counselor, friend, etc.
Role Adjustment
The role of college student requires certain skills. College classes
are much more difficult than those in high school. Reading assignments
are heavier and exams and papers cover more material. Instructors
expect students to be responsible to complete work outside the
classroom. Discipline and good time management skills are essential to
college success. If a student lacks these skills they can learn them
from seminars or the university counseling center. Another extremely important skill is the ability to get along with all
kinds of people. Students will encounter people from different cultures,
sometimes with different values and family makeups. For example a
student who is an "only child" may room with a student who grew up with
several siblings. Living with roommates can present special problems.
Negotiating respect for personal property, personal space, sleep, and
relaxation needs can pose difficulties. A spirit of compromise and a
willingness to communicate and understand differences, can go a long way
towards resolution of conflicts. Roommates don't always end up as best
friends - each may have their own circle of friends - but they can have
mutually agreeable living arrangements.
Financial Support
"PS. Please send money" is an all-too-familiar request heard by parents
of college students. College is a great opportunity to learn financial
responsibility but it's not always easy to distinguish between something
students want and something they need. Students, of course, need to eat
and have a roof over their heads. They also need a social life and this
sometimes costs money. If a student works the job provides financial
resources, but may take away from another valuable resource, time.
During the first year of college some students may be able to juggle the
demands of school and employment, but others will simply not be able to
keep up. If your student complains about not having enough time it is
important to listen and evaluate the situation. If your student seems to
be wasting money, then have him/her send receipts. It's your money and
you have the right to see where it's going. Some of the expenses may
even be tax deductible. If you aren't able to provide as much financial
assistance as you would like, encourage your student to contact the
Financial Aid office.
A Parting Thought...
When surveyed, most parents say that what they want most for their
children, is the ability to think for themselves. You have already done
much of the job or your son/daughter wouldn't be heading for college.
The rest of the job is about letting go and trusting that, even though
your children will make mistakes, they will land on their feet and
become responsible adults. Your developmental challenge is to make the
transition from care taking parent to empowering parent. Responsibility
can only be learned by trial and error. Are you ready for College?
