Lighten Up!

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If you need to take a study break, or are tired of grading term papers, this is the place for you to lighten up!

This is a small collection of websites that is sure to make you smile!

The Dumb Law Site - Did you know that no children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions" in West Virginia.
The Complete Phobia List - look up any phobia, or the name for a specific phobia

 

Great psychology jokes!

The head doctors in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies. When they get to the movie theater, there are signs of wet paint pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited cause they think maybe he's in touch with reality now. So they ask him, " Why did you put the newspaper down first?" He answers, "So I'd be higher and have a better view."

 

Top Ten things that suck MORE than writing a psych thesis:

 

  1. Getting hit by a truck
  2. Being stranded in the Sahara without water
  3. Falling in a pool of alligators
  4. Discovering that your house was built on top of a graveyard
  5. Hearing voices in your head
  6. Being eaten by turtles
  7. Getting a package from the Unabomber
  8. Studying thermodyamic engineering
  9. Writing a dissertation
  10. And the number one thing that sucks more than writing a thesis:
    Not graduating
So I guess I'll get back to work.


Acceptance of Refusal...

Graduate Admissions Committee
Department of Psychology
Big Deal University
Collegeville, USA

Dear Committee Members:

Thanks for your letter of March 30. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your rejection at this time.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of schools, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your outstanding record and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my current career needs. Consequently, I will begin taking classes as a graduate student in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely Yours,
[Name Withheld]

 

 

CAT TEST 

To identify emotionally disturbed individuals accurately, Algozzine, Foster, & Kaufman (1979) developed the CAT TEST. This simple, yet novel test is easily administered by professionals, parents, and aides. It involves three simple steps: 

1) place testee in empty room facing far wall; 

2) place cat in center of room, close and latch door; 

3) after 10 minutes, open the door. 

Algozzine et al., note that the CAT TEST allows fine discriminations between sub-classifications of emotional disturbance . They offer the following guidelines for interpretation of results: 

1. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE--- four neat, meticulous piles of fur to be found in the corners of room - cat alive, but cold. 

2. SOCIALIZED DELINQUENT--- fur scattered randomly about room and on testee - cat alive, still cold. 

3a. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (MANIC STAGE)--- pieces of cat scattered randomly about room - cat terminated. 

3b. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (DEPRESSIVE STAGE)--- pieces of testee scattered randomly about the room - emotionally stability of cat suspect. 

4. SEVERE PATHOLOGY--- only evidence of cat is skin, wrapped loosely about testee's head - cat assumed terminated. 

5. PARANOID REACTION--- testee cowering in far corner of room - cat alive and sleeping in center of room.

6. SCHIZOPHRENIC REACTION--- testee in center of room carrying on long existential discussion with cat - cat alive, but confused.

7. NEUROTIC REACTION--- testee asking for advise about migraine headache - cat alive and still confused.

8. CATATONIC REACTION--- testee in corner of room with back arched, hair on end, hissing, and refusing to acknowledge presence of cat - cat alive and confused.

 

Top 15 Signs You Are Approaching the End of the Semester (at least at UTC!)


15. You have actually tried to find a suitable psychology paper on www.freeessays.com to turn in for credit.

14. The employees at the Waffle House save a table for you and your study group up until 3:00 AM, after which time it's fair game to the truckers.

13. Although you want to keep your books, you sell them back to the bookstore because you have now an unhealthy addiction to No-Doze that must be supported.

12. Dr. Morris seems to have a light skip in his step.

11.  The professor's doors to their offices are all closed and they are no where to be found.

10.  Your study area at home looks like the inside of Dr. Metzger's office.

9.  You get halfway up the third flight of stairs in Holt Hall, stop, sit down, and begin sobbing for no apparent reason.

8.  Bas language can be heard when passing the computer lab as grad students voice their frustration at the printer.

7.  You are now a patient of Dr. Ozbek, not just her student.

6.  You've done the math over and over to see what you have to make on the final to get a certain grade, each time praying the numbers will change in your favor.

5.  You've always hated the person with the highest grade in the class, the one that never seems to have to study, but now during your study break you are secretly planning how to carry out his or her demise. 

4.  You have hellish nightmares of your parents locking you in a Skinner box after they get your grades this semester.

3.  The TA's looks like they are about to jump out of the window.

2.  You have filled in so many of those scan-tron bubbles that you see circles when you close your eyes or stare at the wall... or maybe that's from the cheap booze that you had to drown your sorrows in because Prozac just wasn't in your budget this month.

1.  You considered quitting school and joining the circus over the weekend. 

 

You might be a Redneck Psychologist if... 

Ya know, the American Psychological Association celebrates and encourages DIVERSITY. In doing so, it has inadvertently overlooked a significant, albeit small, group in our country that is not limited to the Southern States. REDNECK PSYCHOLOGISTS need to identify themselves and demand recognition. Perhaps they deserve a division in APA. Here are some scientifically verified criteria that will help you identify yourself as a REDNECK PSYCHOLOGIST... 

If you end group sessions with a prayer for Dale Earnhardt... Or if your patients think Wild Turkey is a love potion...If your patient's main complaint is "Loss in interest in NASCAR"...     ...You may be a Redneck Psychologist 

 

If you have a coon dog named Rorschach...And the entire pack is on Ritalin for ADHD.....You may be a Redneck Psychologist   

 
If you wear a John Deere cap to seminar and grand rounds... Or if you stock Blue Ribbon for marathon therapy... If you accept lottery tickets in payment... You are a redneck psychologist    

   
If you think that SPSS is a gas additive... Or you have a set of TAT cards autographed by Randi Travis... If you testimonial is at Krystal... You may be a redneck psychologist 

 
If you corroborate with a Psychiatrist named Bubba and a social worker named Thelma Sue... Or if you specialize in marital therapy for first cousins... If you accept Jefferson Davis as a president on a Mental Status ...You likely are a Redneck psychologist 

 

If you cited Ralph Emery or Lewis Gizzard in your dissertation... Or you consider hot tea an indicator of confusion.. If all your patients are cousins... You might be a Redneck psychologist 

 
If your patient's love triangle includes a pick up truck... Or your patients see Dolly Parton on Rorschach card III... If you don't notice that your patients take off their shoes to do digits backwards... You are probably a Redneck psychologist 

 
If you have ever quoted Hank Williams, Jr. on cognitive therapy... or you have chaired a SEPA panel on the therapeutic aspects of Bar-B-Q... If your bio-feedback apparatus is made by Harley-Davidson... You are a Redneck psychologist. 

 
If you do not understand the above criteria, then you are definitely not a redneck psychologist. 

                                                                   

Top

 
What do Psychologists say to each other when they meet?" 

"You're fine, how am I? 

" How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? 

Just one, but the bulb will have to be ready to change. 

Are you a senior? 

When I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded "Ah, you're Freshmen." He explained. "When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, it's Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, it's Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the instructor over the tops of the newspapers, it's juniors. When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it's seniors." "When you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, it's graduate students."

Exit exam at the mental hospital 

There are three guys going through an exit interview at a mental hospital. The doctor says he can release them if they can answer the simple mathematical problem: What is 8 times 5? The first patient says, "139." The second one says, "Wednesday." The third says, "What a stupid question. It's obvious: The answer is 40." The doctor is delighted. He gives the guy his release. As the man is leaving, the doctor asks how he came up with the correct answer so quickly. "It was easy, Doc. I just divided Wednesday into 139." 

1-800-PSYCH 

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. 

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.   

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.                                                                                        

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.                                      

If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. 

You just might be a graduate student if...

 
...you spend more on books than on tuition.
...you actually hope your professor assigns homework.
...you get a 3-hour final with 5 questions or less.                                                                                                        
...the words "free time" are unfamiliar to you.                                                                                                            
...you spend Saturday morning waiting for the library to open.                                                                                
...you've memorized your professors' home phone numbers.                                                                                            
 ...your professors know your home phone number.                                                                                                    
 ...more than 25% of your textbook is "left as an exercise for the reader."                                                                    
 ...you are on a first-name basis with everyone on the library staff.                                                                            
 ...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.                                                                        
 ...your car is better decorated than your apartment.                                                                                                    
 ...you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the
 Internet.                    
...you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.                                                                        
 ...you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.                                                                                                    
 ...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.                                                                    
 ...everything reminds you of something in your discipline.                                                                                            
 ...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.                                                                                
 ...you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single
paper.
...there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours."                                                                        
 ...you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.                                                                            
 ...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.                                                                
 ...you look forward to summers because you're more productive without the distraction of
 classes.                                   
...you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.                                                                                                                            
 ...you consider all papers to be works in progress.                                                                                            
 ...professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore.                                                                                    
 ...you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.                                                                
 ...you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.                                                                                
 ...you reflexively start analyzing those Greek letters before you realize that it's a sorority sweatshirt, not an equation.
...you find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th grade".                                                                    
 ...you start referring to stories like "Snow White et al."                                                                                            
 ...you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy.                                                        
 ...you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry.                                                                                        
 ...you have more photocopy cards than credit cards.                                                                                                    
 ...you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as "personal communication". 

Top

Make a wish..... 

A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless." Poof! He's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the professor. The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."

Useful Research Phrases and what they Really Mean 

"It has long been known" . . . [I didn't look up the original reference.]   

"A definite trend is evident" . . . [These data are practically meaningless.]                   

"Of great theoretical and practical importance" . . . [Interesting to me.] 

"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions" . . . [An unsuccessful experiment but I still have to get it published.] 

"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" . . . [The results of the others didn't make any sense.] 

"Typical results are shown" . . . [The best results are shown.] 

"These results will be shown in a subsequent report" . . . [I might get around to this sometime if I'm pushed.] 

"The most reliable results are those obtained by Jones" . . . [He was my graduate assistant.] 

"It is believed that" . . . [I think] 

"It is generally believed that" . . . [A couple of other guys think so, too.] 

"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding occurs" . . . [I don't understand it.] 

"Correct within an order of magnitude" . . . [Wrong] 

"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigations in this field" . . . [This is a lousy paper, but so are all the others on this miserable topic.] 

"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to George Frink for valuable assistance" . . . [Blotz did the work and Frink explained to me what it meant.] 

"A careful analysis of obtainable data" . . . [Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.] 

What did the sign on Pavlov's lab door say? 

Please knock. DON'T ring the bell. 

QUIZ: How smart are you? 

READ this sentence: 

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS. 

Now count aloud the F's in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE; do not go back and count them again. scroll down... 

=

=

=

=

=

=

=

=

=

=

ANSWER There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds three of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six, you are a genius. There is no catch. 

Top

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged 

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear? 

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Queens Disoriented Are. 

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas. 

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me) 

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense! 

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me. 

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why. 

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell... 

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away). 

What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician?

A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!

In the Waiting Room

In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?" The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here." The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?" The second responds, "God told me I was." At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"

Actual Bumper Stickers

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep"

"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"He who laughs last, thinks slowest"

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."

"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

Top

This beer in on the house.....

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, than stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place. The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..."

The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..."
The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist, here's his card, why don't you see him?"
The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous...

Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink. The bartender says "OK, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who..."
"Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured."
"Well, that's great. This beer is on the house" So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar.
"You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!"
"I am! It doesn't bother me anymore..."

Why God never received a PhD:

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.