UTC Physics Humor 3

• Math

  Pi

  What is the value of PI?

  Mathematician: approximately 3.1415927..

  Physicist: it's 3.14

  Engineer: a little more than 3

  Indian Ingenuity

  Three Indian squaws were sitting around the campfire, bragging. The first squaw says, "My son is a good hunter!" And to prove it, she points to a bear hide one her teepee and says, "My son tracked the bear, killed it and then skinned it and gave me the hide!"

  The next squaw says, "My son is an excellent hunter!" And to prove it she points over to her teepee where a buffalo hide is hanging, and she says, "My son tracked the buffalo, and not just the weakest one in the herd, but the strongest one, forced it out of the herd, killed it, skinned it and then gave the hide to me!"

  The third squaw, not to be outdone, says "I myself am as good a hunter as your two sons put together!" To prove it she points to a hippopotamus hide on her teepee. "I had to first find a hippopotamus, and you know how rare they are around here, then kill it (which wasn't easy because their skins are so tough), then skin it (which took four knives, because their skins are soooo tough)."

  The moral of the story: the squaw of the hippopotamus hide is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

  Angles

  Isn't it meaningless to speak of a 45 degree angle unless you specify Fahrenheit or Celcius?

  A 45 degree angle describes the shape of one hit by 15 3rd degree black belts.

• Comparisons

  Milk production

  The USDA once wanted to make cows produce milk faster, to improve the dairy industry. So, they decided to consult the foremost biologists and recombinant DNA technicians to build them a better cow. They assembled this team of great scientists, and gave them unlimited funding. They requested rare chemicals, weird bacteria, tons of quarantine equipment, there was a horrible typhus epidemic they started by accident, and, 2 years later, they came back with the "new, improved cow." It had a milk production improvement of 2% over the original.

  They then tried with the greatest Nobel Prize winning chemists around. They worked for six months, and, after requisitioning tons of chemical equipment, and poisoning half the small town in Colorado where they were working with a toxic cloud from one of their experiments, they got a 5% improvement in milk output.

  The physicists tried for a year, and, after ten thousand cows were subjected to radiation therapy, they got a 1% improvement in output.

  Finally, in desperation, they turned to the mathematicians. The foremost mathematician of his time offered to help them with the problem. Upon hearing the problem, he told the delegation that they could come back in the morning and he would have solved the problem. In the morning, they came back, and he handed them a piece of paper with the computations for the new, 300% improved milk cow.

  The plans began: "A Proof of the Attainability of Increased Milk Output from Bovines: Consider a spherical cow......"

  Cows

  Ian writes: Farmer smith was not satisfied with the yield of his milk cows, so he decided to called in an animal psychologist, an engineer and a physicist to try and improve matters. All three inspected the farm and the cows and made there recommendations.

  The animal psychologist went first, "If you paint the milking shed green the cows will be happier and happy cows will give more milk."

  Then came the turn of the engineer. "If you narrow the milking stalls by 10 centimeters you will be able to add an extra stall and thus be able to milk an extra cow in the same time."

  Farmer Smith was very happy so far, now it came to the turn of the physicist. He got out a black board and started drawing an elaborate diagram. Then he started to talk: "First, we approximate the Cow as a sphere of radius r."

  That's pretty good. A friend of mine, here in Agricultural Engineering, has an inflatable cow. He brings it out for parties [volleycow, etc.]. He says it is his approximation, as an Ag. Engineer, of a sphere...

  Fire

  An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are staying in three adjoining cabins at a decrepit old motel. First the engineer's coffee maker catches fire on the bathroom vanity. He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs it, throws it out the window, and goes back to sleep.

  Later that night the physicist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to himself, "Hmm. How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the temperature of the fuel below the flash point, isolate the burning material from oxygen, or both. This could be accomplished by applying water." So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower stall, turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep.

  The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the window. So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the bedsheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. He immediately sees that the problem reduces to one that has already been solved and goes back to sleep. Author is Benjamin Murray bmurray@saucer.cc.umr.edu

  To fry an egg

  An engineer, physicist, and mathematician are all challenged with a problem: to fry an egg when there is a fire in the house.

  The engineer just grabs a huge bucket of water, runs over to the fire, and puts it out.

  The physicist thinks for a long while, and then measures a precise amount of water into a container. He takes it over to the fire, pours it on, and with the last drop the fire goes out.

  The mathematician pores over pencil and paper. After a few minutes he goes "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to frying the egg.

  Sequel: This time they are asked simply to fry an egg (no fire). The engineer just does it, kludging along; the physicist calculates carefully and produces a carefully cooked egg; and the mathematician lights a fire in the corner, and says "I have reduced it to the previous problem."

  Coffee machine: A physicist and a mathematician setting in a faculty lounge. Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire. The physicist grabs a bucket and leaps towards the sink, fills the bucket with water and puts out the fire. The second day, the same two sit in the same lounge. Again, the coffee machine catches on fire. This time, the mathematician stands up, gets a bucket, hands the bucket to the physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved one.

  How they knew it was a deer:

  The engineer was in the woods to hunt deer, therefore it was a deer.

  The physicist observed that it behaved in a deer-like manner, so it must be a deer.

  The mathematician asked the physicist what it was, thereby reducing it to a previously solved problem.

• Laws

  3 * 10**6 m/s: it's not just a good idea, it's the law!

  Gravity isn't just a good idea -- It's the LAW!

  Lawyer joke, how can you be so exact?

  A humorous fellow, a carpenter, being subpoenaed as a witness on a trial for an assault; one of the counsel, who was very much given to browbeat the evidence, asked him what distance he was away from the parties when he saw the defendant strike the plaintiff? The carpenter answered, "Just four feet five inches and a half."

  "Prithee, fellow," says the counsel, "how is it possible you can be so very exact as to the distance?"

  "Why, to tell you the truth," says the carpenter, "I thought perhaps that some fool or other might ask me, so I measured it." (Hutchin's Improved: Being an Almanack for 1776)

  Ohms Law

  Years ago, when I lived in Topanga, California (near LA) I had a magnetic sign on my car saying REPEAL OHM'S LAW with my phone number. As a result I received a number of interesting calls. One was from a physics professor at UCLA. He said he was all in favor of repealing Ohm's Law, but requested that I wait until the end of the quarter so he wouldn't have to rewrite his lecture notes. Allan Hjer3pe

  Allan wrote that he was "on the committee to revoke Ohm's Law". Let me guess: Ohm's Law: is that the one about sitting crosslegged and chanting "Ohm! Ohm! Ohm!" ?

  Watt is Ohm's law and who volted it into existence? Has it met with any resistance in its application? Please respond quickly because my hair is on end and my emotional life has become static while awaiting an answer. Gus Seligmann

  Ohm's Law was good enough in its time, but that time is past. It is a rankly discriminatory piece of legislation and should be repealed or severely amended. Current should be directly proportional to BOTH voltage and resistance, or inversely proportional to both, or proportional to neither.

  Brownian Movement

  Bob Terry's sigline urges us to "Join the Brownian Movement!" At the time (in Los Angeles) I had a magnetic sign on my car saying REPEAL OHM'S LAW with my telephone number, I got a call from someone urging me to join the Brownian Movement. When I asked him what folks did in the Brownian Movement, he told me they just got together to mill around. Allan Hjer3pe

  Wouldn't folks in the Brownian Movement also smoke a lot or am I experiencing experimental confusion? Perhaps they just exist in a rather foggy condition. Gus

• What's worng with this?

  Traffic lights

  Remember folks. Traffic lights timed for 35 mph are also properly timed for 70 mph.

• General

  Strange Signs

  "MAN WANTED To work nuclear fission isotope molecule reactive counters and three-phase cyclotronic uranium photosynthesizers. No experience necessary."

  Product warnings

  The following are possible product warnings that might be required on a package of any and every product, based on the laws of physics.

  WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

  CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

  HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

  CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

  ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

  READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

  THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

  PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

  NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

  ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.

  NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.

  PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

  COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

  HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

  IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.

  Unified Field Theory by Tim Joseph

  In the beginning there was Aristotle,

  At objects at rest tended to remain at rest,

  And objects in motion tended to come to rest,

  And soon everything was at rest,

  And God saw that it was boring.

  Then God created Newton,

  And objects at rest tended to remain at rest,

  But objects in motion tended to remain in motion,

  And energy was conserved and momentum was conserved and matter was conserved,

  And God saw that it was conservative.

  Then God created Einstein,

  And everything was relative,

  And fast things became short,

  And straight things became curved,

  And the universe was filled with inertial frames,

  And God saw that it was relatively general, but some of it was especially relative.

  Then God created Bohr,

  And there was the principle,

  And the principle was quantum,

  And all things were quantified,

  But some things were still relative,

  And God saw that it was confusing.

  Then God was going to create Ferguson,

  And Ferguson would have unified,

  And he would have fielded a theory,

  And all would have been one,

  But it was the seventh day,

  And God rested,

  And objects at rest tend to remain at rest.

• Miscellaneous

  Physicist's clothes

  As noted in the Salt Lake Tribune: An American physicist has won a Nobel for his atom theory. This raises a question about the role of scientific researchers: If they can find tiny organisms, why can't they pick out clothes that match?

  Thing in the cellar

  The girl walked into the dark, dark house through the dark, dark hall and down the dark, dark stairs to the dark, dark cellar where there was a dark, dark passageway at the end of which was a dark, dark room. Inside was a dark, dark cupboard and inside that was an electrician mending the fuse!

  New Age "thought" summed up

  An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all time. The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter. The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.

  "Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.

  "Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."

  "Yes -- so what?"

  "Think about it." said the mystic reverently. That little bottle -- how does it *know*?"

  Kid's ideas about science

  From the Boston Globe a few years back: The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and class room discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the 'most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.'

  Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

  You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

  Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

  The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

  When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

  When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

  Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

  While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

  Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

  South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

  Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

  Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

  A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

  There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

  There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

  Lime is a green-tasting rock.

  Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

  Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

  Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

  Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

  Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

  We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

  To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

  In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

  Clouds are high flying fogs.

  I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

  Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.

  Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

  Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

  We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.

  Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

  Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

  In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

  Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

  A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

  A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

  A monsoon is a French gentleman.

  Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

  Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

  It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

  The wind is like the air, only pushier.

  Child's Garden of Versions

  Some oil had leaked onto our driveway, and in the sunshine it acted like a prism, showing many different colors. When my grandson saw it he came running into the house. "Grandma!" he called. "Come see the dead rainbow in the driveway!"

  While reading to my young son, I noticed that he was getting drowsy. As I started to put the book away he awoke enough to say, "Don't stop, Daddy. Sometimes my ears stay up later than my eyes."

  A ten-year-old boy was telling some of his friends about the high-school football injury his teen-age brother had sustained. "It was a groan injury - and he groaned a lot."

  An elementary-school teacher happened to be left-handed. A pupil commented one day, after watching her write, "Mrs. B, did you know that your arms are on backward?" - From Readers Digest

  A Simpleton's Guide to Science (stolen from UK magazine

  Relativity : Family get-togethers at Christmas

  Gravity : Strength of a glass of beer

  Time travel : Throwing the alarm clock at the wall

  Black holes : What you get in black socks

  Critical mass: A gaggle of film reviewers

  Hyperspace : Where you park at the superstore

  "The Greatest Management Principle in the World"

  The things that get rewarded, get done. by Michael LeBoeuf

updated 28 May 95