UTC Physics Humor 2

• Electricity

  Hydrolic analogy of electricity

  Electrical question: A long time ago, when I was in the Marines studying electronic repair, one of my instructors poses the following question... "If electricity flows in a manner similar to water, why is it then that the electrons don't spill out of the outlets in a room and drown us? Or is that where we get static electricity? Just think of the implications... We would have to go around grounded, or at the very least, wearing garments made of insulated materials. Hmmmm... David

  James Thurber wrote a very funny story about his great-aunt, who believed (among other strange things) that if a socket didn't have a plug in it, all the electricity was spilling on the floor. (If I remember correctly) She would stalk around the house, plugging things into open sockets and crying 'AH-HA' each time.

  Picking huckleberries

  A friend of the family went camping not too long ago. The mountains of Idaho, Washington and Montana are filled with huckleberries this time of year, so she was told to bring something to collect the fruit in. She brought the vacuum sweeper. When asked what she was going to plug it in to, she answered, "A current bush." Jan Kucera: kuc@fce.vutbr.cz

  G. Westinghouse History

  You say Edison was the greatest one of all, but don't forget George Westinghouse. Edison was famous for D.C. (direct current) which incidentally, we named our nation's capitol after. But Westinghouse was famous for A.C. and the Westinghouse Electric Co. So anyway, the descendants of these two got together and created a band, hence AC/DC. Thusly, if you create AC with DC all you get is noise. So George Westinghouse is famous for noise. If you hear any noise, in your car or house or anywhere else, thank him.

  Electricians Ten Commandments.....

  1. Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most embarrassing manner

  2. Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this earthly vale of tears.

  3. Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon which thy worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like a radiator, too.

  4. Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely unbelievers.

  5. Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the measures of high-voltage circuits, that thou dost not incinerate both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company property number and can be easily replaced, the test meter has one and, as a consquence, the loss of which bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent.

  6. Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices, for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring the fury of the engineers on his head.

  7. Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee.

  8. Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone, for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold.

  9. Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages.

  10. Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code, and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician.

  Hamster Power: 42 ways to get electric power from hamsters

  1. Stick copper and zinc electrode-needles in opposite ends of hamster. Use in series for higher voltage. -gwh

  2. Shove them back and forth in Richard Gere's butt. Creates static electricity.

  3. Go to Radio Shack and offer them the hamster in exchange for two AAA batteries.

  4. Attach the hamster to a hand-crank generator and then drop it onto a trampoline.

  5. Ignite in large numbers. Use heat released to drive steam turbine.

  6. Kidnap and threaten to torture. Extort ransom from animal-rights activists and other anti-cruelty types: demand payment in the form of electric current.

  7. Drop hamsters from great heights. Use water-mill like turbine to generate electricity.

  8. Drop large numbers of hamsters into tar pit, wait a few million years, drill for crude oil at same location to run electric turbine.

  9. Cold Fusion -> Steam Turbine. No explanation necessary. -seano

  10. Any form of neutron capture / beta emission. -seano

  11. Convince hamsters they're really lemmings. Show cliff to hamsters. Install turbine halfway down cliff.

  12. Densely pack hamsters into flywheel shape. Spin rapidly. Attach generator.

  13. Put hamster on electricity-generating treadmill. Feed back small portion of generated electricity into hamster brain pleasure center. Watch him generate his little heart out!

  14. Seal large quantity of hamsters in air tight holding tanks. Add water. Allow suitable time to pass for decomposition. Collect methane gas resulting. Put gas in fuel cells.

  15. Smush mucho hamsters in a trough, use the drippings/blood to run a waterwheel for hydroelectric power.

  16. Give hamsters lots of shitty beer. Use piss and vomit to run hydroelectric generator.

  17. Skin hamster. Melt animal fat into tallow and then form candles. Heat steam turbine.

  18. Switch hamsters for P6 chips coming of Intel assembly lines. Saved electricity will be enormous. Cover performance loss by releasing new version of Windows NT at the same time. -gwh

  19. Build glass room. Put hamsters inside. Put cocaine inside. Ground the floor and attach negative leads to the ceiling. -gwh

  20. Have hamster steal one of Kube's magic cards. Leech power from resulting nuclear strike.

  21. Teach hamsters to play blackjack. Once they're at the competitive level, convince Las Vegas hotel owners to convert to serving hamsters. Saved electricity from smaller lights, hotels, etc. -gwh

  22. Accumulate enough hamsters that the self-gravitational force causes the mass to shrink and heat up. Use thermocouples to generate energy. -gwh

  23. Raid PG&E corporate headquarters. Threaten to drop hamster down CEO's pants unless he gives you a power plant. -gwh

  24. Get several dozen hamsters. Shoot them up with crystal meth. Attach dog sled.

  25. (This is, undoubtedly, the way to get the most power from them) Combine the hamster with an equal mass of antimatter -- a anti-hamster if you will. Then harness the massive energy release for power....

  26. Have the Emperor warp and twist a hamster clone into an evil Anti-Hamster, Darth Hamster. This should be good for 4-6 sequels. Install tension to electricity converters into theatre. -gwh

  27. a. Find a _good_ genetic engineer. b. Splice appropriate genes from electric eels into hamsters, because they're smaller and cuter and, well, hamsters. c. Feed the hamsters. d. Surgically install appropriate electrodes. e. Periodically drain off the voltage. Unfortunately, this only gets you DC current. P.S. How could I have been so blind? Splice in genes from blue-green algae as well, and you wouldn't even have to feed the hamsters! (Well, maybe some phosphorous and iron and stuff)

  28. Mail the electric company a dead hamster every day until they give you power for free.

  29. Crossbreed hamster with a Mothra (a giant rodant in India) and use resulting giant mutant lightning-breathing hamster as power source.

  30. Give the hamster to Scotty, he'll find some way to yeild 20% more power from the dilithium crystals.

  31. Take thousands of hamsters into orbit -- when the orbit decays, they will heat up the atmosphere. With enough hamsters, you could raise the planets temperature as much as you want.

  32. Pull the hamster out of root@soda's ass. Then when they turn red & embarrassed, use the heat from their red face to drive a Carnot engine.

  33. Emmass enormous quantities of hamsters until it reaches enough mass to begin hamster fusion in the core. Use solar cells to convert radiation to electricity. - seano

  34. Throw in more hamsters to 33 (above) until the hamster star goes supernova... you couldn't want any more energy than that...

  35. Repeat 34 with another mass of hamsters... spin the resulting neutron-hamsters around each other in a binary orbit... use gravity waves to rotate hydro-turbine.

  36. Take five or six hits of acid. Tell yourself very firmly that hamsters _are_ electricity. (Well, they've got lots of electrons in them, yes?) Acquire hamsters however you choose; "operationally", you've now got electricity. (I say "five or six hits", because I find that things which were perfectly clear to me after _one_ hit, e.g., that the word "Krups" is actually a make onomatopoeic piece of German slang for an unprintable Viennese practice, make absolutely no sense afterwards; and Leary used to take five hits or so. QED.)

  37. Give them little magnetic collars, and run them through a maze of coiled wires.

  38. Reduce hamster to their component atoms. Compress the resulting plasma until it fuses. Transfer the released energy via heat/engine or energy conversion scheme of your choice. -ERic

  39. Take two hamsters, run one through a klein bottle to convert it to anti-matter. Combine the first hamster with the anti-hamster. Harness the resultant massive burst of energy as per #38 above. -ERic

  40. Drop hamster into black hole. Use photovoltaics to release the radiated energy. -Eric

  41. It is a well-known result of quantum field theory that all fields are symmetric under the combined action of time-reversal, charge-conjugation and parity-inversion operators: the familiar TCP symmetry. It is trivial to show that time reversal and charge conjugation both take fermions into their anti-particles. Use this to show that plucking hamsters from mirrors will produce beaucoup electromagnetic radiation. (Hint: Do you need to pull the hamsters out of the mirror _going_backwards_in_time_?) Ref: J. J. Sakurai, _Adv. Quan. Mech._

  42. Put female hamster scent on glass rod. Release male hamster. He will try to rub his furry coat against glass rod. Drawback: only creates static electricity.

  Sex life of an electron

  One night, when his charge was full to capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute little coil to discharge him. He picked up Millie Amp and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across the wheatstone bridge, into a magnetic field, next to a flowing current , to watch the sine waves.

  Micro Farad, attracted by Millie's characteristic curve, soon had her field fully excited. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted it parallel and began to short circuit her shunt.

  With her tube at maximum output and her coil vibrating from current flow, her shunt reached maximum heat. The excess current had gotten her shunt pretty hot and Micro's capacity was rapidly discharged and drained off ever electron. They fluxed all night and tried various connections and sockets, until his bar magnet had lost its field strength.

  Afterwards, Millie Amp tried self induction and damaged her solenoid. With her capacity fully discharged, Micro Farad was unable to excite his transformer, so they ended up reversing polarity and blowing each others fuses.

  Simple experiment

  Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson. Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"

  Electrical circuit

  It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream an collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit. Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"

  Amazing Fact

  If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting. Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"

  Electrons

  Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, although God alone knows why it would want to. Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

  Current

  The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents harmful electron buildup in the wires. Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

  Electronics

  A friend of mine has a theory about things electronic- they operate on smoke. It is very important for each component to have the correct amount of smoke, which is sealed inside at the factory. If this smoke ever gets out, the part is no longer functional. This is true- how many times have you ever seen an electrical or electronic device work right after smoke has been emitted?

• Relativity

  I was going how fast???

  The following message was written by a couple of guys at the University of Dayton. Recently I have been pestered with a series of deeply scientific questions... All evolving out of the age old question..... If you're driving at the speed of Light and you turn your headlights on... What happens?

  These were quickly followed by: If you're driving at the speed of light and.....

  Turn your radio on... What station do you get?

  Hit an on coming freight train....

  Stick your head out the window....

  Turn on the windshield washer jets....

  Honk your horn....

  Downshift into first....

  These are all fascinating (and deeply disturbed) questions. But let us assume that you get a car that can travel the speed of light and you begin to unravel these age old mysteries... WHEN SUDDENLY... You are faced with an even more dreadful question

  If you're driving at the speed of light and get pulled over by an Oakwood Taxi-cop... What kind of fine are you gonna pay?? And believe me you are gonna pay... He ain't gonna buy the line..

  "669,600,000 mph!! That's impossible, my car shimmies at 500,000,000 mph!"

  And he ain't gonna take the excuse that you didn't realize how fast you were going... "Didn't you notice the Blue Shift ,son."

  After doing some research (No, I did not recently get a ticket) I found that the fair city of Oakwood charges $1 for every 1 mph over the speed limit. So if you were pulled over for doing 669,600,000 in a 35 zone you would be charged $669,599,965 + a $33 court fee = $669,599,998. This does not include such subsequent fines as reckless operation, not wearing a seat belt, and DWI (Let's face it if you stopped for an Oakwood cop while doing light speed , you'd have to be drunk. Oakwood is roughly 2 miles across... You'd be out of his jurisdiction in 0.00001 Seconds)

  A couple of other stats concerning a car capable of light speed. You'd flip the odometer in .537 seconds and need to change the oil every .053 seconds. I don't even want to get into the amount of gas it would use and at the current gas prices maybe a ticket isn't your first concern.

  But just think... You'll be able to answer all those complicated questions... Be the first to own a light-speed car... Honest, it was only driven on Sundays by a little old lady who had to get to Epsion Indi and back.

  Faster then c

  Q: Why is the speed of light only 186,000 miles per second? Can't science do better than this?

  A: Yes, you're right. It's a disgrace that light only goes a measly 186,000 miles per second, but physicists are working on the problem. There is already a prototype vehicle that goes 200,000 miles per second, but the headlights shine at only 186,000 miles per second. This is equivalent to driving down the freeway the wrong way with the headlights not only *out* but also chasing you down the road. This is why so many scientists today no longer own a driver's license. Ask Dr. Science

  Slow Light

  Q: What would happen if the speed of light were only sixty miles per hour?

  A: As we approach the speed of light, the aging process slows down. So, if the speed of light were sixty miles per hour, we would have even more people speeding, especially older people trying to stay young. As a matter of fact, physics would demand that we go faster than the speed of light. The safest thing is to drive at a steady sixty to keep time and the highway patrol off our necks. Airplanes would become obsolete in this slow light world, because you would be going so fast, relatively speaking, that you'd be back before you even left. This would make business trips unnecessary and lead to economic collapse. So, to answer your question, life, if the speed of light were sixty miles per hour, would be youthful, fast, and dark. Ask Dr. Science

  Stupid Light

  Q: Why do objects become shorter and wider as they approach the speed of light?

  A: There are two different kinds of light here, the light that fills our days and the light that fills our beers and diet sodas. The objects that become shorter and wider are those that consume too much light beer. The so-called "couch potato syndrome" could be more a side-effect of gravity than of light, though the light emitted from a TV set seems to have an adverse effect on weight. TV light, or, as science calls it, "stupid light," seems to create an urge in couch potatoes to drink gallons of light beer. Why, we don't know. Stupid light contrasts with smart light, which is the intelligent radiation we get from the sun and Eveready batteries. When we approach the speed of smart light we don't get shorter and wider; we get dark, bump into things, and fall down. So, if you plan on breaking the light barrier, I advise you not to. Turn on the TV and crack a couple of cold ones. You'll be fat, but you'll be safe. Ask Dr. Science

• Quantum

  Heisenberg Uncertainty of Bananas

  Note that bananas always curve to the left when held in the right hand.

  Oh, no, guys. The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle apples here. It isn't that the banana always curves to the left, it's that the curvature of the banana in Einsteinian space is unknowable to us. Now, a Newtonian banana, falling from a tree, might indeed not intend any transgression of the law, but in observing it we change it. The one thing we can be sure of, though, is that it didn't really fall, a serpent pushed it. 4/17/95, Georgianna< ULHENRY@VM.CC.OLEMISS.EDU>

  No, the uncertainty comes in when to stop spelling ...ananana...

  Scrodinger's Cat

  Wanted poster in post office in physics land:

  Wanted

  $10,000 reward.

  Scrodinger's Cat.

  Dead or Alive

  nweaver@ocf.berkeley.edu (Nicholas Weaver)

  Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle

  If you know how fast you're driving, you must be lost. (Probably Douglas Adams originally)

• Experimental

  Twinkies as food?

  In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, I subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments:

  Exposure: A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds - even pigeons - avoided this potential source of substance. Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial from insulation; the filling however, retained its advertised "creaminess".

  Radiation: A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for precisely 4 minutes - the approximate cooking time for bacon. After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma of artificial butter. After one minute, this aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes 10 seconds when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven. A second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment; this Twinkie leaked molten white filling. When cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity: it was removed only upon application of a butter knife.

  Extreme Force: A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth floor window, a fall of approximately 120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The expected "splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside; otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact.

  Extreme Cold: A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties had noticeably "slowed". The filling was found to have the approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike property of not adhering to practically any surface. It was noted that the Twinkie had generously absorbed the freezer odors.

  Extreme Heat: A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes" boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however, produce the same "burning rubber" aroma noticed in the irradiation experiment.

  Immersion: A Twinkie was dropped into a large bucket filled with water. The Twinkie floated momentarily, then began to list and sink. Viscous yellow tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble artificial coloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie bloated substantially. Its coloring was now a very pale tan - in contrast to the yellow, urine like water that surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours the Twinkie had increased roughly 200 percent of its original size. The water had turned opaque, and a small, fan shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the "cream holes". Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were abandoned when, under light pressure the Twinkie disintegrated into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.

  Summary: The Twinkie's survival of a 120 foot drop, along with some of the unusual phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial coloring, should give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as "food". Further clinical inquiry is required before any definite conclusions can be drawn. < /DL>

updated 28 May 95